I sometimes fantasize about being a super private person. I have actor and non actor friends who are great at being private. Unless I'm asking they ain't telling.... and believe me, I ask ALL the good questions. What can I say, I have that a people want to tell things to!
I'll catch myself fantasizing about being this mysterious private gal. Never talking about my triumphs or tragedies, thoughts, ideas, self...
It's not me. My true north is inspiration. It always has been. I think it always will be.
I preface my blog tonight with that because those of you who've followed my journey or even you new comers witness, I am honest. Sometimes it's negative. Sometimes it's comedy. Sometimes it's dare a say... a little sexy? Writing honestly is ALWAYS my true north.
Well tonight it's bare bones honesty. I am at rock bottom. And I have no idea how this happened. How I got here. How I can get out. ROCK. FUCKING. BOTTOM.
4months ago I left my very well paying but soul killing serving job with benefits to focus solely on acting and writing. It's been an amazing adventure but I am not getting anywhere. Well maybe that isn't entirely true. Ok it's not. I've accomplished a ton--- but to "industry standards," I am failing. And I feel it.
I have never been to this level of darkness and frustration and poverty. Ohhh the poverty, let me tell ya... when you've taken care of yourself, provided for yourself, given yourself amazing luxuries.... to nothing, and I mean nothing... HUMBLE. HUMBLE. HUMBLE.
The most horrible feeling in the world is helplessness. I feel like I've lost complete control of my career and the helplessness is deafening. All the hard work, sacrifice, bold moves, savings account, classes, networking, creating my own work, writing, self submissions, auditions, workshops, early call times, crappy low budget jobs, babysitting, up early-to bed even later, headshots, more headshots, managers, agents..... it's overwhelming to not feel what I am doing is enough.
What is enough?
I wish I was writing you all post darkness. One of those "But have no worries ya'll! An audition came and changed my whole life! Wohoo!"
But I'm not. I'm in what I hope is the worst of it...
Trust me, we ALL are going to hit ROCK. FUCKING. BOTTOM. And all I want to do (and sure you will too) is lay in my bed and wait for God to swoop on down into my IPHONE with an audition that changes my life forever. Hasn't happened yet....
I'm not waiting for a miracle. The rent is due. I'm moving forward. I am pushing. I believe...
So keep this little post. Save it for when you are going through it. Or maybe you have and you need a nice gratitude-reminder of what you went through... Keep pushing.
Even in the WORST of it stay true to your true north.
Cry when you have to cry. Keep finding things to make you laugh and smile. Stay around people who encourage you. And write. Write every awful-negative-angry-horrible-jealous thought that pops into your head. Get it out. Then keep going....
Love
Meg
“I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart.” – Vincent van Gogh
