Thursday, August 7, 2014

Down to My Bones, and Other Rock Bottom Thoughts.....

I sometimes fantasize about being a super private person. I have actor and non actor friends who are great at being private. Unless I'm asking they ain't telling.... and believe me, I ask ALL the good questions. What can I say, I have that a people want to tell things to!

I'll catch myself fantasizing about being this mysterious private gal. Never talking about my triumphs or tragedies, thoughts, ideas, self...

It's not me. My true north is inspiration. It always has been. I think it always will be.

I preface my blog tonight with that because those of you who've followed my journey or even you new comers witness, I am honest. Sometimes it's negative. Sometimes it's comedy. Sometimes it's dare a say... a little sexy? Writing honestly is ALWAYS my true north.

Well tonight it's bare bones honesty. I am at rock bottom. And I have no idea how this happened. How I got here. How I can get out. ROCK. FUCKING. BOTTOM.

4months ago I left my very well paying but soul killing serving job with benefits to focus solely on acting and writing. It's been an amazing adventure but I am not getting anywhere. Well maybe that isn't entirely true. Ok it's not. I've accomplished a ton--- but to "industry standards," I am failing. And I feel it.

I have never been to this level of darkness and frustration and poverty. Ohhh the poverty, let me tell ya... when you've taken care of yourself, provided for yourself, given yourself amazing luxuries.... to nothing, and I mean nothing... HUMBLE. HUMBLE. HUMBLE.

The most horrible feeling in the world is helplessness. I feel like I've lost complete control of my career and the helplessness is deafening. All the hard work, sacrifice, bold moves, savings account, classes, networking, creating my own work, writing, self submissions, auditions, workshops, early call times, crappy low budget jobs, babysitting, up early-to bed even later, headshots, more headshots, managers, agents..... it's overwhelming to not feel what I am doing is enough.

What is enough?

I wish I was writing you all post darkness. One of those "But have no worries ya'll! An audition came and changed my whole life! Wohoo!"

But I'm not. I'm in what I hope is the worst of it...

Trust me, we ALL are going to hit ROCK. FUCKING. BOTTOM. And all I want to do (and sure you will too) is lay in my bed and wait for God to swoop on down into my IPHONE with an audition that changes my life forever. Hasn't happened yet....

I'm not waiting for a miracle. The rent is due. I'm moving forward. I am pushing. I believe...

So keep this little post. Save it for when you are going through it. Or maybe you have and you need a nice gratitude-reminder of what you went through... Keep pushing.

Even in the WORST of it stay true to your true north.

Cry when you have to cry. Keep finding things to make you laugh and smile. Stay around people who encourage you. And write. Write every awful-negative-angry-horrible-jealous thought that pops into your head. Get it out. Then keep going....

Love
Meg


“I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart.” – Vincent van Gogh

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Me & Lady Gaga!!

"I used to walk down the street

like I was a fucking star...

I want people to walk around delusional

about how great they can be -

and then to fight so hard for it every day

...that the lie becomes the truth."

-LADY GAGA 

 GOD. I. LOVE. THIS. QUOTE. IT'S. MY. SOUL.
 
I've had more than one person in my life call me 'delusional.' For my work, work ethic, heart, goals, dreams... blah blah blah. They are white noise. I have no clue where my life is going but it's headed somewhere. I believe in being bold. I believe that faith can move mountains. More and more signs are showing up in my life to keep me on track. And yup, I'm broke, professional actress, and not a day closer to getting married & starting a family. So I move forward. I am DELUSIONAL... but in a GOOD WAY.

 I believe people who live their dreams are the good delusional. The BAD DELUSION is when your dream change but your ego won't change with it so you miss it. So what separates us from the bad? I'm not sure. A feeling I guess. A gut feeling that you were given your dreams for a reason. Whether that is an actress, doctor, or substitute teacher - it doesn't matter, if YOU know in your HEART OF HEARTS what your dream is, LIVE IT. If the dream changes, don't fear it, live the next one. BUT KEEP GOING. Keep the GOOD DELUSIONAL EGO in check!

If TOMORROW the universe, God, guardian angel, the man on the subway (you know, whomever-whatever you believe in) changes my dream, well I will be scared as hell but at least I'll be delusional GOOD and LIVE IT. GOOD LUCK MY LOVES!!! <3

 
 

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

My friend or deleting foe?

Social media. My friend or deleting foe?

Look. There are plenty of men out there who have not wanted to see me naked, whether they know this or not. (I'm kind of a chicken so if I get the vibe you really aren't into me I'm like a zoo animal and disappear behind some bushes) Here nor there.... I still am friends with these men. I'm noticing a strange trend of men I have not wanted to have sex with silently deleting me from their lives. And I'm not talking about like the random frat guy you meet at the bar on Friday and text with for like a week then never hear from again. I'm talking real deal friends. Like years long.. and for those that know me, my circle is SMALL. So I NOTICE when someone deletes me. (I have like 50 Facebook friends. Get my drift?)

I will never understand the new age wave of social media skeezyness. Your know the kind, one day you think of something funny and go to post it on their page only to become embarrassingly aware they UNFRIENDED, UNFOLLOWED, UNTWEETED, UN-SOMETHING DEVIANT AND SNEEKY toward you.... Why is it so infuriating and... embarrassing? Like really? You deleted me from your life? And I'm so not the type of person who will text you or message you and be like "What's up with that?" because when it comes to hurt feelings, I am more of a "fantasize about running into you years later walking down the street with me holding my Oscar" (Yes I carry an Oscar in all of my fantasies. It adds better drama and gold statue courage.) In my Oscar fantasy I casually say... "Oh dear, it's you old so and so, what a pity you never stayed in touch. I must go now. Good to see you old chap!" And then you look at me cold and tired as I float away. Yes, I've actually had this fantasy and yes I do speak with an old man English accent in it.

I've definitely in my younger and lame social media days been that person. But then I grew up. I'm pretty face to face these days with my feelings. Most of the time it gets me either in hot water, embarrassing water, or just down right funny water. I'll take real human contact over any of that other social media meanness. So the moral of the story is, don't unfriend me. Thanks! <3