I jumped off a cliff in 2015.... I didn't fly. I didn't soar. I splat. I crashed. Burned. Broke every bone on the way down. Personally. Professionally. No parachute in site.
And that's ok.
This year literally kicked the shit out of me.
And that's ok... because I learned.
I learned I can take the hits. I learned I can fall off a cliff and crash... Get up, chin up, and jump again.
What else is life if not either mundane & boring or BAM POW WAM (Batman style) in the BEST or WORST ways possible.
And that's ok.
Well. It's almost midnight on New Years Eve and I'm no farther than I was at the beginning of 2015. Many of you may feel the same. I like to joke I could have gotten drunk everyday and slept in ... and would have produced the same results. BUT... I didn't. I took the hits... because I believe.
And that's everything.
KEEP FIGHTING WARRIORS.
You. Your Dreams. Your heart. You are worth it, and I believe in you.
2016 and Beyond
Love,
Meg
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Monday, September 21, 2015
Courage of US
I am not the everyday. I battle lately the back and forth. Why am I not married, career, kids, and in a safe community of fun life? And WHERE is my career, man, kids, in LA?
I think sometimes when the "us"... the creative us.... sometimes we connect with life and empathy and worry and guilt and anger and love more than the average bear. We have lots of restless nights and internal dialogue and no regrets and this is WHY MY LIFE IS WHERE IT IS BECAUSE I LIVE WITH NO REGRETS (** That isn't a 'good' life statement by the way.)
I go back and forth... loving and confident thriving glory of comfortable in my creative yet struggling actor skin and the awkward complete paralysis of "Fuck I'm getting older and I'm poor and creative and no one see's it and will they ever and will they care and is this how the rest of my life is going to be?"
And that's my truth.
And I don't say it for "cool actor publicity" cause lets be honest I think a small handful of friends, family, and random internet sweet souls read my blogs... I say it because what if it connects to ONE person? AND I can get the creative life out? Jackpot.
Will I be poor and creatively tiny forever? Is this dream a reality or a delusion?
I don't know.
I just don't know.
I think sometimes when the "us"... the creative us.... sometimes we connect with life and empathy and worry and guilt and anger and love more than the average bear. We have lots of restless nights and internal dialogue and no regrets and this is WHY MY LIFE IS WHERE IT IS BECAUSE I LIVE WITH NO REGRETS (** That isn't a 'good' life statement by the way.)
I go back and forth... loving and confident thriving glory of comfortable in my creative yet struggling actor skin and the awkward complete paralysis of "Fuck I'm getting older and I'm poor and creative and no one see's it and will they ever and will they care and is this how the rest of my life is going to be?"
And that's my truth.
And I don't say it for "cool actor publicity" cause lets be honest I think a small handful of friends, family, and random internet sweet souls read my blogs... I say it because what if it connects to ONE person? AND I can get the creative life out? Jackpot.
Will I be poor and creatively tiny forever? Is this dream a reality or a delusion?
I don't know.
I just don't know.
Friday, June 26, 2015
To Matthew Shepard. With Love.
To Matthew,
Today, June 26th 2015, has been an historic day for our LGBT community as well as society as a whole. Legalization of marriage. In ALL STATES! And I thought of you...
I remember when the story broke (almost 20 years ago) about a young man named Matthew Shepard who was viciously murdered. I remember no one knew what a "HATE CRIME" was because it didn't exist yet. I knew I was taught to love everyone and that being Gay was OK. (I look back now and realize how fortunate I am to come from such an open minded home). But I did not grasp the magnitude of what had happened. I did not understand there was such evil in the world that could do (and would continue to do) such terrible things to another person. I remember feeling sad you died but didn't realize the impact that day you had made on me... Not until today.
I want you to know your life was not in vain. Your death, inhuman-tragic-vicious, was not in vain. Your existence was world changing.
After your death a tiny seed for CHANGE was planted in many so, so, so many peoples hearts. Folks who had never known a gay person. Folks who never understood the LGBT community upon your death, the seed was planted. People who didn't have a Gay friend, that they knew of, held the seed. And people were angry. Anger being the root of fear... Your face Matthew held such love, such care, such compassion... you were one of "us." (whatever that even meant at the time) A REAL face was given to the LGBT life, community, existence.
AND PEOPLE WERE ANGRY. THEY HAD TAKEN ONE OF "US."
You were our friends, siblings, coworkers... people who we cared for. You were everyone's friend because you could have been anyone's friend this happened to. And the seed grew.
And It grew. And it grew. Over 15 years since your death... it has continued to grow and blossom into supporters, activist, charities, LAWS, and a true fight for REAL HUMAN RIGHTS.
Wherever you are in Heaven I hope you are looking down and smiling. Nothing can bring you back but I just wanted to say YOU STILL MATTER. You always will.
Love,
Meg
Today, June 26th 2015, has been an historic day for our LGBT community as well as society as a whole. Legalization of marriage. In ALL STATES! And I thought of you...
I remember when the story broke (almost 20 years ago) about a young man named Matthew Shepard who was viciously murdered. I remember no one knew what a "HATE CRIME" was because it didn't exist yet. I knew I was taught to love everyone and that being Gay was OK. (I look back now and realize how fortunate I am to come from such an open minded home). But I did not grasp the magnitude of what had happened. I did not understand there was such evil in the world that could do (and would continue to do) such terrible things to another person. I remember feeling sad you died but didn't realize the impact that day you had made on me... Not until today.
I want you to know your life was not in vain. Your death, inhuman-tragic-vicious, was not in vain. Your existence was world changing.
After your death a tiny seed for CHANGE was planted in many so, so, so many peoples hearts. Folks who had never known a gay person. Folks who never understood the LGBT community upon your death, the seed was planted. People who didn't have a Gay friend, that they knew of, held the seed. And people were angry. Anger being the root of fear... Your face Matthew held such love, such care, such compassion... you were one of "us." (whatever that even meant at the time) A REAL face was given to the LGBT life, community, existence.
AND PEOPLE WERE ANGRY. THEY HAD TAKEN ONE OF "US."
You were our friends, siblings, coworkers... people who we cared for. You were everyone's friend because you could have been anyone's friend this happened to. And the seed grew.
And It grew. And it grew. Over 15 years since your death... it has continued to grow and blossom into supporters, activist, charities, LAWS, and a true fight for REAL HUMAN RIGHTS.
Wherever you are in Heaven I hope you are looking down and smiling. Nothing can bring you back but I just wanted to say YOU STILL MATTER. You always will.
Love,
Meg
Monday, June 15, 2015
So silent it's LOUD.
Queen of Sound(ness).
I read or heard (cough* overheard) somewhere that everyone has a WORD which describes them. A "true north" (I LOVE that phrase) or epitome of their soul, core, being. Basically if you had 1 word to describe you, what would it be? **Seriously. Leave feedback. What's your word? I'd love to know.
I became FIXATED on knowing my word. Studied and googled and looked up hundreds of words.. and I found mine. Or it found me.
Sound(ness):
Queen of Soundness. (Duh. Of course I added 'Queen') So I did some digging. I'll keep it short and hit you with the main points (trust me it all adds up in the end).
I read or heard (cough* overheard) somewhere that everyone has a WORD which describes them. A "true north" (I LOVE that phrase) or epitome of their soul, core, being. Basically if you had 1 word to describe you, what would it be? **Seriously. Leave feedback. What's your word? I'd love to know.
I became FIXATED on knowing my word. Studied and googled and looked up hundreds of words.. and I found mine. Or it found me.
Sound(ness):
Queen of Soundness. (Duh. Of course I added 'Queen') So I did some digging. I'll keep it short and hit you with the main points (trust me it all adds up in the end).
"...Free from defect, disease; in good condition. Healthy, a sound heart & mind. No defect as to truth, justice, wisdom, or reason: Sound Advice..."
My world is chaotic. Always has been, and as I've made peace with, always will be. Lately though... I've been tossing and turning (not my style) with what every actor and (or) working HUMAN who dreams of something more... SOMETHING MORE (I am both) WHERE ARE MY DREAMS?! I work hard, take care of my body, am fearless -bold in my craft and pursuit of a creative AND business endeavors. A life. I even try dating in LA... ok. That is a stretch. I have gone on dates. And I think, "It is happening. BE BOLDER. KEEP REACHING." Whenever I want to quit a feeling-a voice-God-Guardian Angel QUIETLY SHOUTS-- DON'T GIVE UP. IT'S COMING. IT'S COMING. So I work. Work.
My world is chaotic. Always has been, and as I've made peace with, always will be. Lately though... I've been tossing and turning (not my style) with what every actor and (or) working HUMAN who dreams of something more... SOMETHING MORE (I am both) WHERE ARE MY DREAMS?! I work hard, take care of my body, am fearless -bold in my craft and pursuit of a creative AND business endeavors. A life. I even try dating in LA... ok. That is a stretch. I have gone on dates. And I think, "It is happening. BE BOLDER. KEEP REACHING." Whenever I want to quit a feeling-a voice-God-Guardian Angel QUIETLY SHOUTS-- DON'T GIVE UP. IT'S COMING. IT'S COMING. So I work. Work.
"...Competent, sensible, or valid: sound judgment."
Sometimes I don't know if my consistency, drive, and hard work is genuinely getting me somewhere (ala my dreams) or if I'm just...
"...following in a systematic pattern without any apparent defect in logic: sound reasoning."
"...following in a systematic pattern without any apparent defect in logic: sound reasoning."
The unknown. The vast unknown. I hate the unknown. It's starting to drive me crazy. I'm a "Plan" kind of a girl. I'm pretty flexible with details but I've big dreams and have been wondering lately where they are. You know, creative vitality, business woman, wife, mother, Cleveland heart.
"Financially strong, secure, or reliable: a sound business; sound investments."
Everything feels so much harder in LA. It's not a complaint. It's just the vibe. No one wants to connect...And those that do are so afraid of the rejection because of lifestyle out here, we don't really show each other our true "word."
"...of substantial or enduring character: sound moral values."
But what happens when that is all I want to do?
"Financially strong, secure, or reliable: a sound business; sound investments."
Everything feels so much harder in LA. It's not a complaint. It's just the vibe. No one wants to connect...And those that do are so afraid of the rejection because of lifestyle out here, we don't really show each other our true "word."
"...of substantial or enduring character: sound moral values."
But what happens when that is all I want to do?
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