I jumped off a cliff in 2015.... I didn't fly. I didn't soar. I splat. I crashed. Burned. Broke every bone on the way down. Personally. Professionally. No parachute in site.
And that's ok.
This year literally kicked the shit out of me.
And that's ok... because I learned.
I learned I can take the hits. I learned I can fall off a cliff and crash... Get up, chin up, and jump again.
What else is life if not either mundane & boring or BAM POW WAM (Batman style) in the BEST or WORST ways possible.
And that's ok.
Well. It's almost midnight on New Years Eve and I'm no farther than I was at the beginning of 2015. Many of you may feel the same. I like to joke I could have gotten drunk everyday and slept in ... and would have produced the same results. BUT... I didn't. I took the hits... because I believe.
And that's everything.
KEEP FIGHTING WARRIORS.
You. Your Dreams. Your heart. You are worth it, and I believe in you.
2016 and Beyond
Love,
Meg
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Monday, September 21, 2015
Courage of US
I am not the everyday. I battle lately the back and forth. Why am I not married, career, kids, and in a safe community of fun life? And WHERE is my career, man, kids, in LA?
I think sometimes when the "us"... the creative us.... sometimes we connect with life and empathy and worry and guilt and anger and love more than the average bear. We have lots of restless nights and internal dialogue and no regrets and this is WHY MY LIFE IS WHERE IT IS BECAUSE I LIVE WITH NO REGRETS (** That isn't a 'good' life statement by the way.)
I go back and forth... loving and confident thriving glory of comfortable in my creative yet struggling actor skin and the awkward complete paralysis of "Fuck I'm getting older and I'm poor and creative and no one see's it and will they ever and will they care and is this how the rest of my life is going to be?"
And that's my truth.
And I don't say it for "cool actor publicity" cause lets be honest I think a small handful of friends, family, and random internet sweet souls read my blogs... I say it because what if it connects to ONE person? AND I can get the creative life out? Jackpot.
Will I be poor and creatively tiny forever? Is this dream a reality or a delusion?
I don't know.
I just don't know.
I think sometimes when the "us"... the creative us.... sometimes we connect with life and empathy and worry and guilt and anger and love more than the average bear. We have lots of restless nights and internal dialogue and no regrets and this is WHY MY LIFE IS WHERE IT IS BECAUSE I LIVE WITH NO REGRETS (** That isn't a 'good' life statement by the way.)
I go back and forth... loving and confident thriving glory of comfortable in my creative yet struggling actor skin and the awkward complete paralysis of "Fuck I'm getting older and I'm poor and creative and no one see's it and will they ever and will they care and is this how the rest of my life is going to be?"
And that's my truth.
And I don't say it for "cool actor publicity" cause lets be honest I think a small handful of friends, family, and random internet sweet souls read my blogs... I say it because what if it connects to ONE person? AND I can get the creative life out? Jackpot.
Will I be poor and creatively tiny forever? Is this dream a reality or a delusion?
I don't know.
I just don't know.
Friday, June 26, 2015
To Matthew Shepard. With Love.
To Matthew,
Today, June 26th 2015, has been an historic day for our LGBT community as well as society as a whole. Legalization of marriage. In ALL STATES! And I thought of you...
I remember when the story broke (almost 20 years ago) about a young man named Matthew Shepard who was viciously murdered. I remember no one knew what a "HATE CRIME" was because it didn't exist yet. I knew I was taught to love everyone and that being Gay was OK. (I look back now and realize how fortunate I am to come from such an open minded home). But I did not grasp the magnitude of what had happened. I did not understand there was such evil in the world that could do (and would continue to do) such terrible things to another person. I remember feeling sad you died but didn't realize the impact that day you had made on me... Not until today.
I want you to know your life was not in vain. Your death, inhuman-tragic-vicious, was not in vain. Your existence was world changing.
After your death a tiny seed for CHANGE was planted in many so, so, so many peoples hearts. Folks who had never known a gay person. Folks who never understood the LGBT community upon your death, the seed was planted. People who didn't have a Gay friend, that they knew of, held the seed. And people were angry. Anger being the root of fear... Your face Matthew held such love, such care, such compassion... you were one of "us." (whatever that even meant at the time) A REAL face was given to the LGBT life, community, existence.
AND PEOPLE WERE ANGRY. THEY HAD TAKEN ONE OF "US."
You were our friends, siblings, coworkers... people who we cared for. You were everyone's friend because you could have been anyone's friend this happened to. And the seed grew.
And It grew. And it grew. Over 15 years since your death... it has continued to grow and blossom into supporters, activist, charities, LAWS, and a true fight for REAL HUMAN RIGHTS.
Wherever you are in Heaven I hope you are looking down and smiling. Nothing can bring you back but I just wanted to say YOU STILL MATTER. You always will.
Love,
Meg
Today, June 26th 2015, has been an historic day for our LGBT community as well as society as a whole. Legalization of marriage. In ALL STATES! And I thought of you...
I remember when the story broke (almost 20 years ago) about a young man named Matthew Shepard who was viciously murdered. I remember no one knew what a "HATE CRIME" was because it didn't exist yet. I knew I was taught to love everyone and that being Gay was OK. (I look back now and realize how fortunate I am to come from such an open minded home). But I did not grasp the magnitude of what had happened. I did not understand there was such evil in the world that could do (and would continue to do) such terrible things to another person. I remember feeling sad you died but didn't realize the impact that day you had made on me... Not until today.
I want you to know your life was not in vain. Your death, inhuman-tragic-vicious, was not in vain. Your existence was world changing.
After your death a tiny seed for CHANGE was planted in many so, so, so many peoples hearts. Folks who had never known a gay person. Folks who never understood the LGBT community upon your death, the seed was planted. People who didn't have a Gay friend, that they knew of, held the seed. And people were angry. Anger being the root of fear... Your face Matthew held such love, such care, such compassion... you were one of "us." (whatever that even meant at the time) A REAL face was given to the LGBT life, community, existence.
AND PEOPLE WERE ANGRY. THEY HAD TAKEN ONE OF "US."
You were our friends, siblings, coworkers... people who we cared for. You were everyone's friend because you could have been anyone's friend this happened to. And the seed grew.
And It grew. And it grew. Over 15 years since your death... it has continued to grow and blossom into supporters, activist, charities, LAWS, and a true fight for REAL HUMAN RIGHTS.
Wherever you are in Heaven I hope you are looking down and smiling. Nothing can bring you back but I just wanted to say YOU STILL MATTER. You always will.
Love,
Meg
Monday, June 15, 2015
So silent it's LOUD.
Queen of Sound(ness).
I read or heard (cough* overheard) somewhere that everyone has a WORD which describes them. A "true north" (I LOVE that phrase) or epitome of their soul, core, being. Basically if you had 1 word to describe you, what would it be? **Seriously. Leave feedback. What's your word? I'd love to know.
I became FIXATED on knowing my word. Studied and googled and looked up hundreds of words.. and I found mine. Or it found me.
Sound(ness):
Queen of Soundness. (Duh. Of course I added 'Queen') So I did some digging. I'll keep it short and hit you with the main points (trust me it all adds up in the end).
I read or heard (cough* overheard) somewhere that everyone has a WORD which describes them. A "true north" (I LOVE that phrase) or epitome of their soul, core, being. Basically if you had 1 word to describe you, what would it be? **Seriously. Leave feedback. What's your word? I'd love to know.
I became FIXATED on knowing my word. Studied and googled and looked up hundreds of words.. and I found mine. Or it found me.
Sound(ness):
Queen of Soundness. (Duh. Of course I added 'Queen') So I did some digging. I'll keep it short and hit you with the main points (trust me it all adds up in the end).
"...Free from defect, disease; in good condition. Healthy, a sound heart & mind. No defect as to truth, justice, wisdom, or reason: Sound Advice..."
My world is chaotic. Always has been, and as I've made peace with, always will be. Lately though... I've been tossing and turning (not my style) with what every actor and (or) working HUMAN who dreams of something more... SOMETHING MORE (I am both) WHERE ARE MY DREAMS?! I work hard, take care of my body, am fearless -bold in my craft and pursuit of a creative AND business endeavors. A life. I even try dating in LA... ok. That is a stretch. I have gone on dates. And I think, "It is happening. BE BOLDER. KEEP REACHING." Whenever I want to quit a feeling-a voice-God-Guardian Angel QUIETLY SHOUTS-- DON'T GIVE UP. IT'S COMING. IT'S COMING. So I work. Work.
My world is chaotic. Always has been, and as I've made peace with, always will be. Lately though... I've been tossing and turning (not my style) with what every actor and (or) working HUMAN who dreams of something more... SOMETHING MORE (I am both) WHERE ARE MY DREAMS?! I work hard, take care of my body, am fearless -bold in my craft and pursuit of a creative AND business endeavors. A life. I even try dating in LA... ok. That is a stretch. I have gone on dates. And I think, "It is happening. BE BOLDER. KEEP REACHING." Whenever I want to quit a feeling-a voice-God-Guardian Angel QUIETLY SHOUTS-- DON'T GIVE UP. IT'S COMING. IT'S COMING. So I work. Work.
"...Competent, sensible, or valid: sound judgment."
Sometimes I don't know if my consistency, drive, and hard work is genuinely getting me somewhere (ala my dreams) or if I'm just...
"...following in a systematic pattern without any apparent defect in logic: sound reasoning."
"...following in a systematic pattern without any apparent defect in logic: sound reasoning."
The unknown. The vast unknown. I hate the unknown. It's starting to drive me crazy. I'm a "Plan" kind of a girl. I'm pretty flexible with details but I've big dreams and have been wondering lately where they are. You know, creative vitality, business woman, wife, mother, Cleveland heart.
"Financially strong, secure, or reliable: a sound business; sound investments."
Everything feels so much harder in LA. It's not a complaint. It's just the vibe. No one wants to connect...And those that do are so afraid of the rejection because of lifestyle out here, we don't really show each other our true "word."
"...of substantial or enduring character: sound moral values."
But what happens when that is all I want to do?
"Financially strong, secure, or reliable: a sound business; sound investments."
Everything feels so much harder in LA. It's not a complaint. It's just the vibe. No one wants to connect...And those that do are so afraid of the rejection because of lifestyle out here, we don't really show each other our true "word."
"...of substantial or enduring character: sound moral values."
But what happens when that is all I want to do?
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Down to My Bones, and Other Rock Bottom Thoughts.....
I sometimes fantasize about being a super private person. I have actor and non actor friends who are great at being private. Unless I'm asking they ain't telling.... and believe me, I ask ALL the good questions. What can I say, I have that a people want to tell things to!
I'll catch myself fantasizing about being this mysterious private gal. Never talking about my triumphs or tragedies, thoughts, ideas, self...
It's not me. My true north is inspiration. It always has been. I think it always will be.
I preface my blog tonight with that because those of you who've followed my journey or even you new comers witness, I am honest. Sometimes it's negative. Sometimes it's comedy. Sometimes it's dare a say... a little sexy? Writing honestly is ALWAYS my true north.
Well tonight it's bare bones honesty. I am at rock bottom. And I have no idea how this happened. How I got here. How I can get out. ROCK. FUCKING. BOTTOM.
4months ago I left my very well paying but soul killing serving job with benefits to focus solely on acting and writing. It's been an amazing adventure but I am not getting anywhere. Well maybe that isn't entirely true. Ok it's not. I've accomplished a ton--- but to "industry standards," I am failing. And I feel it.
I have never been to this level of darkness and frustration and poverty. Ohhh the poverty, let me tell ya... when you've taken care of yourself, provided for yourself, given yourself amazing luxuries.... to nothing, and I mean nothing... HUMBLE. HUMBLE. HUMBLE.
The most horrible feeling in the world is helplessness. I feel like I've lost complete control of my career and the helplessness is deafening. All the hard work, sacrifice, bold moves, savings account, classes, networking, creating my own work, writing, self submissions, auditions, workshops, early call times, crappy low budget jobs, babysitting, up early-to bed even later, headshots, more headshots, managers, agents..... it's overwhelming to not feel what I am doing is enough.
What is enough?
I wish I was writing you all post darkness. One of those "But have no worries ya'll! An audition came and changed my whole life! Wohoo!"
But I'm not. I'm in what I hope is the worst of it...
Trust me, we ALL are going to hit ROCK. FUCKING. BOTTOM. And all I want to do (and sure you will too) is lay in my bed and wait for God to swoop on down into my IPHONE with an audition that changes my life forever. Hasn't happened yet....
I'm not waiting for a miracle. The rent is due. I'm moving forward. I am pushing. I believe...
So keep this little post. Save it for when you are going through it. Or maybe you have and you need a nice gratitude-reminder of what you went through... Keep pushing.
Even in the WORST of it stay true to your true north.
Cry when you have to cry. Keep finding things to make you laugh and smile. Stay around people who encourage you. And write. Write every awful-negative-angry-horrible-jealous thought that pops into your head. Get it out. Then keep going....
Love
Meg
“I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart.” – Vincent van Gogh
I'll catch myself fantasizing about being this mysterious private gal. Never talking about my triumphs or tragedies, thoughts, ideas, self...
It's not me. My true north is inspiration. It always has been. I think it always will be.
I preface my blog tonight with that because those of you who've followed my journey or even you new comers witness, I am honest. Sometimes it's negative. Sometimes it's comedy. Sometimes it's dare a say... a little sexy? Writing honestly is ALWAYS my true north.
Well tonight it's bare bones honesty. I am at rock bottom. And I have no idea how this happened. How I got here. How I can get out. ROCK. FUCKING. BOTTOM.
4months ago I left my very well paying but soul killing serving job with benefits to focus solely on acting and writing. It's been an amazing adventure but I am not getting anywhere. Well maybe that isn't entirely true. Ok it's not. I've accomplished a ton--- but to "industry standards," I am failing. And I feel it.
I have never been to this level of darkness and frustration and poverty. Ohhh the poverty, let me tell ya... when you've taken care of yourself, provided for yourself, given yourself amazing luxuries.... to nothing, and I mean nothing... HUMBLE. HUMBLE. HUMBLE.
The most horrible feeling in the world is helplessness. I feel like I've lost complete control of my career and the helplessness is deafening. All the hard work, sacrifice, bold moves, savings account, classes, networking, creating my own work, writing, self submissions, auditions, workshops, early call times, crappy low budget jobs, babysitting, up early-to bed even later, headshots, more headshots, managers, agents..... it's overwhelming to not feel what I am doing is enough.
What is enough?
I wish I was writing you all post darkness. One of those "But have no worries ya'll! An audition came and changed my whole life! Wohoo!"
But I'm not. I'm in what I hope is the worst of it...
Trust me, we ALL are going to hit ROCK. FUCKING. BOTTOM. And all I want to do (and sure you will too) is lay in my bed and wait for God to swoop on down into my IPHONE with an audition that changes my life forever. Hasn't happened yet....
I'm not waiting for a miracle. The rent is due. I'm moving forward. I am pushing. I believe...
So keep this little post. Save it for when you are going through it. Or maybe you have and you need a nice gratitude-reminder of what you went through... Keep pushing.
Even in the WORST of it stay true to your true north.
Cry when you have to cry. Keep finding things to make you laugh and smile. Stay around people who encourage you. And write. Write every awful-negative-angry-horrible-jealous thought that pops into your head. Get it out. Then keep going....
Love
Meg
“I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart.” – Vincent van Gogh
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Me & Lady Gaga!!
"I used to walk down the street
like I was a fucking star...
I want people to walk around delusional
about how great they can be -
and then to fight so hard for it every day
...that the lie becomes the truth."
-LADY GAGA
GOD. I. LOVE. THIS. QUOTE. IT'S. MY. SOUL.
I've had more than one person in my life call me 'delusional.' For my work, work ethic, heart, goals, dreams... blah blah blah. They are white noise. I have no clue where my life is going but it's headed somewhere. I believe in being bold. I believe that faith can move mountains. More and more signs are showing up in my life to keep me on track. And yup, I'm broke, professional actress, and not a day closer to getting married & starting a family. So I move forward. I am DELUSIONAL... but in a GOOD WAY.
I believe people who live their dreams are the good delusional. The BAD DELUSION is when your dream change but your ego won't change with it so you miss it. So what separates us from the bad? I'm not sure. A feeling I guess. A gut feeling that you were given your dreams for a reason. Whether that is an actress, doctor, or substitute teacher - it doesn't matter, if YOU know in your HEART OF HEARTS what your dream is, LIVE IT. If the dream changes, don't fear it, live the next one. BUT KEEP GOING. Keep the GOOD DELUSIONAL EGO in check!
If TOMORROW the universe, God, guardian angel, the man on the subway (you know, whomever-whatever you believe in) changes my dream, well I will be scared as hell but at least I'll be delusional GOOD and LIVE IT. GOOD LUCK MY LOVES!!! <3
I believe people who live their dreams are the good delusional. The BAD DELUSION is when your dream change but your ego won't change with it so you miss it. So what separates us from the bad? I'm not sure. A feeling I guess. A gut feeling that you were given your dreams for a reason. Whether that is an actress, doctor, or substitute teacher - it doesn't matter, if YOU know in your HEART OF HEARTS what your dream is, LIVE IT. If the dream changes, don't fear it, live the next one. BUT KEEP GOING. Keep the GOOD DELUSIONAL EGO in check!
If TOMORROW the universe, God, guardian angel, the man on the subway (you know, whomever-whatever you believe in) changes my dream, well I will be scared as hell but at least I'll be delusional GOOD and LIVE IT. GOOD LUCK MY LOVES!!! <3
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
My friend or deleting foe?
Social media. My friend or deleting foe?
Look. There are plenty of men out there who have not wanted to see me naked, whether they know this or not. (I'm kind of a chicken so if I get the vibe you really aren't into me I'm like a zoo animal and disappear behind some bushes) Here nor there.... I still am friends with these men. I'm noticing a strange trend of men I have not wanted to have sex with silently deleting me from their lives. And I'm not talking about like the random frat guy you meet at the bar on Friday and text with for like a week then never hear from again. I'm talking real deal friends. Like years long.. and for those that know me, my circle is SMALL. So I NOTICE when someone deletes me. (I have like 50 Facebook friends. Get my drift?)
I will never understand the new age wave of social media skeezyness. Your know the kind, one day you think of something funny and go to post it on their page only to become embarrassingly aware they UNFRIENDED, UNFOLLOWED, UNTWEETED, UN-SOMETHING DEVIANT AND SNEEKY toward you.... Why is it so infuriating and... embarrassing? Like really? You deleted me from your life? And I'm so not the type of person who will text you or message you and be like "What's up with that?" because when it comes to hurt feelings, I am more of a "fantasize about running into you years later walking down the street with me holding my Oscar" (Yes I carry an Oscar in all of my fantasies. It adds better drama and gold statue courage.) In my Oscar fantasy I casually say... "Oh dear, it's you old so and so, what a pity you never stayed in touch. I must go now. Good to see you old chap!" And then you look at me cold and tired as I float away. Yes, I've actually had this fantasy and yes I do speak with an old man English accent in it.
I've definitely in my younger and lame social media days been that person. But then I grew up. I'm pretty face to face these days with my feelings. Most of the time it gets me either in hot water, embarrassing water, or just down right funny water. I'll take real human contact over any of that other social media meanness. So the moral of the story is, don't unfriend me. Thanks! <3
Look. There are plenty of men out there who have not wanted to see me naked, whether they know this or not. (I'm kind of a chicken so if I get the vibe you really aren't into me I'm like a zoo animal and disappear behind some bushes) Here nor there.... I still am friends with these men. I'm noticing a strange trend of men I have not wanted to have sex with silently deleting me from their lives. And I'm not talking about like the random frat guy you meet at the bar on Friday and text with for like a week then never hear from again. I'm talking real deal friends. Like years long.. and for those that know me, my circle is SMALL. So I NOTICE when someone deletes me. (I have like 50 Facebook friends. Get my drift?)
I will never understand the new age wave of social media skeezyness. Your know the kind, one day you think of something funny and go to post it on their page only to become embarrassingly aware they UNFRIENDED, UNFOLLOWED, UNTWEETED, UN-SOMETHING DEVIANT AND SNEEKY toward you.... Why is it so infuriating and... embarrassing? Like really? You deleted me from your life? And I'm so not the type of person who will text you or message you and be like "What's up with that?" because when it comes to hurt feelings, I am more of a "fantasize about running into you years later walking down the street with me holding my Oscar" (Yes I carry an Oscar in all of my fantasies. It adds better drama and gold statue courage.) In my Oscar fantasy I casually say... "Oh dear, it's you old so and so, what a pity you never stayed in touch. I must go now. Good to see you old chap!" And then you look at me cold and tired as I float away. Yes, I've actually had this fantasy and yes I do speak with an old man English accent in it.
I've definitely in my younger and lame social media days been that person. But then I grew up. I'm pretty face to face these days with my feelings. Most of the time it gets me either in hot water, embarrassing water, or just down right funny water. I'll take real human contact over any of that other social media meanness. So the moral of the story is, don't unfriend me. Thanks! <3
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